There have been many hail storms in my life when all I could do was think, “Lord, why couldn’t you send me a sign? Why couldn’t you give me some kind of warning? Where was the foreshadow, Lord?”
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5:30 p.m. in college meant digging deeper into a paper, crossing another thing off of my to-do list, and counting down the days, hours, and minutes until I would get to go home again. While it disciplined me, it often made me miss my family. While it taught me how to persevere and finish strong, it revealed to me just how ready I was for the next step of life.
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“I have spent so many years cowering in fear over what I felt when I had to stop playing to now realizing that my love for the game cannot be stripped away. It is not mine to hold, either, as its home is in ALL of our hearts who love the game.”
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Now, I see that my dream only has to break the borders of my own heart. I have come to understand that I can’t let the fear of “too small” or “too tiny” shelter my dreams in a box, but that in dreaming right where I am, I have the ability to see my world a little differently.
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The Lord knew that I needed to start this race when I was a younger me so that I would one day be able to understand just how much I need Him because while I thought I needed Him then, nothing compares to growing older and realizing just how much of this life I cannot do alone.
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Thus, my word of the year is not some great, magnificent English vocabulary word that I want to study, write in my notebook, and post on my bathroom mirror for daily reminding, but instead it is a way of life -- a phrase that I want to remember, and carry in my heart as I encounter 2018 with messy first-year teacher meltdowns, lesson plans, comprehension questions, and early morning coffee on the way to work.
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I was bent and broken, but I was also pouring out my heart and soul to things, people, and circumstances that did not deserve what I was willing to bring to the table. Not only that, but I used so much energy trying to prove that I had something to bring to the table, and I was so afraid of letting people down, that I was left with nothing to give because my cup was so empty.
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I couldn’t see past my own selfishness. But, the Lord is full of grace, and even when I doubted the ability for any other calling besides Business to somehow be used to fulfill His purpose for my life, He forgave me. Then, He asked me to trust Him, and so I stopped running away from the very source of sense that I had long been searching for.
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When we show up and stay strong, our resilience only builds. When we are knocked to our knees, it only enables us to bend a little more without breaking, and when we get back up again, we claim agency in our stories. We claim agency in our lives. We take the reins, even when pain is fighting to have a hold on them, too.
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We are often faced with really big situations and dreams, and we wonder how we will get a favorable end result, but part of the process is learning to trust the process.
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